The Princess Complex

Peggy Orenstein's new book, Cinderella Ate My Daughter, is causing a buzz among mothers of young girls. As a little girl all grown up and a mother of an eleven year old daughter, the "princess fever" that has reached new heights among this generation of girls intrigues me on many levels. I know it's not a new debate and mothers for years have wondered what would happen when their little girls grew up and realized life wasn't a fairy tale. My own mom actually took a marker and wrote at the end of all our fairy tales. The last page of our stories always read, "And they all lived happily ever after...with a few problems now and then."  She didn't want us thinking that things were only good and right if they were perfect and that sometimes things happen and you have to work through them. I still remember going to a friend's house, reading her Cinderella storybook and thinking, Hey...where's the "problems now and then"part? The generation before us also had issues with princesses because they feared their little girls would grow up waiting for Prince Charming rather than getting out there and making something of themselves in the world. Today's generation of parents have similar princess complex anxiety but for different reasons.

Admittedly, I've never been a girly girl which is why I'm intrigued by this and find myself understanding both sides. Growing up with two sisters, my older sister lived in a pink cheerleading world, and my younger sister lived in a Barbie and Cabbage Patch one while I pretty much stayed in the middle with a blue room and interests in sports, music, and student government. I wouldn't call myself a tomboy, but I'm definitely not into manicures and matching accessories and can therefore understand the parents who refuse to buy tiaras and pom-poms. On the flip side, I don't believe there's anything inherently wrong with unicorns and fairy wings, so what's a mom to do?

I think some parents are so focused on attacking the sparkly tiaras that they're missing the real problem.  . It's the diva-like attitude that's accepted and even encouraged as typical girl behavior and not the color pink that's the issue. Putting yourself on a pedestal is not something I'm interested in teaching my daughter. The problem is that society thinks it's cute.  Attitude t-shirts are quite the current fashion with telling sayings like, "It's all about me". Most of the Disney princess movies teach lessons about compassion, perseverance, and honesty but when someone jokingly refers to a girl as "such a princess" they're not referring to her compassion, her hard work, or her courage. It's the "I want the best and I want it now" attitude.

And while I'm a big fan of kids playing pretend in costumes, it does seem that sensuality is more prevalent in our young girls' world then when we were growing up.  I have to admit I'm not sad that Club Libby Lu, the Saks inspired makeover/fashion store where girls as young as 3 were encouraged to put on glittery tube tops, tight pants, boas, and make up is closing its doors. Recently, my daughter wanted to take a tap class just for fun and we had quite a time finding a dance studio that didn't involve some kind of pageantry type recital with makeup and boas or hip hop choreography that was on the suggestive side. Ummm...no thanks.  I think dance is a beautiful art form, but the fact that we had to hunt for something appropriate says something about what we're doing to our girls.

So I guess no matter what side of the princess spectrum you're on, what it comes down to is intentionality and communication.  And of course, moderation is key. We definitely did not ban all things princess in our house and Caroline's room at eleven is still pink.  But for every princess storybook on her bookshelf, there's a biography about a strong influential woman. Dress up clothes included fancy tea dresses as well as doctor's scrubs and astronaut suits. (Thank you Grandmom!) We're constantly talking with Caroline about character attributes and what messages you send out by the way you dress, act, and talk.   Rather than avoid media, fashion, and marketing which we all know is impossible (although we did refuse to buy anything Bratz related where the doll's denim skirt rides just low enough to see the strings of her bikini underwear) our goal for her to is to critically pay attention to media messages, be observant about the attitudes girls in her world have, and be intentional about what she's putting out there.  Princesses can be strong, brave, centered, and compassionate. All things we want for our daughter as she figures out who she is and how she fits into this world.