Taking a Blogging Break

Hello Blog friends!

I just want to thank you for your encouragement, motivation, and inspiration over the last year of my blogging journey. It was a fantastic experiment for me as a parent and I'm so glad to have these stories and anecdotes written down to share with my children one day.

Our family is embarking on a new adventure that we're calling Family Learning. For a variety of reasons, we are planning to home school our kids and will be joining them in their educational discoveries with "the world is our classroom" as our philosophy.  While we have enjoyed much growth, success, and learning in the public schools and are thankful for what we've experienced in those rich environments, we are looking forward to see where this next chapter will take us as a family. We'll be working this first year on developing ideas and strategies for what works best for us and I know that will be taking up a lot of my educational and parenting thoughts and time.

Over the years I have learned that as a mom I need to be intentional about what I am purposely spending my time doing. I'm presently in the process of experiencing God pruning things from my life and watching some things come to an end to make room for growth in other areas.

Thank you for your thoughtful emails, supportive messages, and encouraging comments. I wish for each of you to continue experiencing an exciting, challenging, and exhilarating Parenting Journey in Progress!

Sincerely,
Paula

Put Yourself in Her Shoes

Our three kids were recently playing together in the basement building forts when I heard an argument begin. Up the stairs came Caroline (11) who had apparently decided to take her fort and go home. The boys were soon at the kitchen table describing how "all they had said was"...."she didn't even say what was wrong"...."geez, girls are so sensitive..."

This led into a discussion where I asked them to think about how it might feel to be the only boy in the family, how it might be different to have two sisters in the house and always have to join in their play.  Not only does our daughter have two brothers, but my sister's family lives close by and the kids are all like siblings. Their family? Three boys. Typically, Caroline holds her own in the group of 5 boys, but at times I'm sure it gets frustrating. We talked a lot that day about seeing things from someone else's perspective and  what it meant to "put yourself in someone else's shoes".  I then left the boys alone and asked them to do what they thought might be good in this situation. This is how it works with kids - some days they may have listened to me while rolling their eyes and after shrugging and smirking at each other, headed back downstairs to play. Sometimes they surprise you. And make you laugh.

After a few minutes, I heard heavy footsteps up the stairs followed by my daughter's laughter. I went up to find the boys prancing around in their sister's shoes, telling her they were sorry for how they treated her and were trying to understand how it felt to "be in her shoes".

Of course Caroline found it funny and appreciated the effort of the point being made. It made me think about how often we forget to think of things from another person's perspective and what else might be going on in a situation. A good reminder to get outside of ourselves and see the world a little differently from time to time. 

All the World's a Stage

I have fond memories of being with my sisters on our front porch and rehearsing scenes from a made up play. Singing and dancing our hearts out - not for an audience but for just for the joy and art of storytelling. Doing things for the fun of it is becoming increasingly less frequent in our kids' lives as we continue to schedule more and more over their free time. Unstructured imaginative play is crucial for cognitive and social development and increases problem solving skills, builds emotional strength, and fosters creativity. 


With all that in mind (and because it sounded like fun), last Christmas we ran with the idea to build a stage in our basement. I'd always wanted to turn that unfinished space into a bright, open playroom, but it never quite made the top of the financial priority list. Since it was just an open area of concrete, wood, and steel, some pretty cool guys (thank you Dad and Uncle Jim!) dreamed up a simple but super fun stage design and put the entire thing in in one day.

Aside from the silly fun our kids and their friends have down there, we noticed some immediate and lasting benefits. The kids work together to create something they've dreamed up. The amount of hours spent discussing, consulting, and compromising are unique to that environment directly below our kitchen. There's nothing quite as organic as the creative process and left alone to children, it is truly a beautiful thing to behold. 

For them, this stage is not about performing or even the end product (in fact, only Grandmom and Granddad have been treated to a "show" and that's because they begged). It's not about having an audience and none of our kids have aspirations of being performing artists. It's about pure pretending and creating - things that aren't always easily accessed in today's world of high accomplishment, achievement, and electronic entertainment. I love watching them lose themselves in their imagination and cooperating in a give and take process. 


In this world imagination is king. There's a wide variety of "acts" that take place on that stage. Pirate battles including fight choreography and sound effects by the boys and their cousins, dramatic poetry reading or expressive movement by middle school girls, acted out Bible stories or Shakespearean plays, original music involving ALL sort of instruments, or just improvisational comedy (yes, it's only funny to a parent). It's a place for them to be inspired, let go, and just dream. 

Our stage consists of wood, black fabric (thank you Tyler), and running lights, but creating a space for kids to tell stories and use their imagination can be anything. I've seen some pretty cool homemade puppet theaters, simple sheets and blankets to create backdrops, or just big cardboard boxes available to become rocket ships or trains. There's no right way to create an environment that encourages creativity - just some space and freedom is all they need.


A lot of a child's learning can be gained through somewhat of a passive relationship between the child and the information. Allowing children to create with no boundaries and with no specific end in mind strengthens their imaginative skills and capacity to think beyond the norm. Because regardless of what they become - a banker, architect, medical professional (or maybe a pirate) - what we want is for these future community builders to think beyond limits and dream up new possibilities.


Now on with the show!

The Princess Complex

Peggy Orenstein's new book, Cinderella Ate My Daughter, is causing a buzz among mothers of young girls. As a little girl all grown up and a mother of an eleven year old daughter, the "princess fever" that has reached new heights among this generation of girls intrigues me on many levels. I know it's not a new debate and mothers for years have wondered what would happen when their little girls grew up and realized life wasn't a fairy tale. My own mom actually took a marker and wrote at the end of all our fairy tales. The last page of our stories always read, "And they all lived happily ever after...with a few problems now and then."  She didn't want us thinking that things were only good and right if they were perfect and that sometimes things happen and you have to work through them. I still remember going to a friend's house, reading her Cinderella storybook and thinking, Hey...where's the "problems now and then"part? The generation before us also had issues with princesses because they feared their little girls would grow up waiting for Prince Charming rather than getting out there and making something of themselves in the world. Today's generation of parents have similar princess complex anxiety but for different reasons.

Admittedly, I've never been a girly girl which is why I'm intrigued by this and find myself understanding both sides. Growing up with two sisters, my older sister lived in a pink cheerleading world, and my younger sister lived in a Barbie and Cabbage Patch one while I pretty much stayed in the middle with a blue room and interests in sports, music, and student government. I wouldn't call myself a tomboy, but I'm definitely not into manicures and matching accessories and can therefore understand the parents who refuse to buy tiaras and pom-poms. On the flip side, I don't believe there's anything inherently wrong with unicorns and fairy wings, so what's a mom to do?

I think some parents are so focused on attacking the sparkly tiaras that they're missing the real problem.  . It's the diva-like attitude that's accepted and even encouraged as typical girl behavior and not the color pink that's the issue. Putting yourself on a pedestal is not something I'm interested in teaching my daughter. The problem is that society thinks it's cute.  Attitude t-shirts are quite the current fashion with telling sayings like, "It's all about me". Most of the Disney princess movies teach lessons about compassion, perseverance, and honesty but when someone jokingly refers to a girl as "such a princess" they're not referring to her compassion, her hard work, or her courage. It's the "I want the best and I want it now" attitude.

And while I'm a big fan of kids playing pretend in costumes, it does seem that sensuality is more prevalent in our young girls' world then when we were growing up.  I have to admit I'm not sad that Club Libby Lu, the Saks inspired makeover/fashion store where girls as young as 3 were encouraged to put on glittery tube tops, tight pants, boas, and make up is closing its doors. Recently, my daughter wanted to take a tap class just for fun and we had quite a time finding a dance studio that didn't involve some kind of pageantry type recital with makeup and boas or hip hop choreography that was on the suggestive side. Ummm...no thanks.  I think dance is a beautiful art form, but the fact that we had to hunt for something appropriate says something about what we're doing to our girls.

So I guess no matter what side of the princess spectrum you're on, what it comes down to is intentionality and communication.  And of course, moderation is key. We definitely did not ban all things princess in our house and Caroline's room at eleven is still pink.  But for every princess storybook on her bookshelf, there's a biography about a strong influential woman. Dress up clothes included fancy tea dresses as well as doctor's scrubs and astronaut suits. (Thank you Grandmom!) We're constantly talking with Caroline about character attributes and what messages you send out by the way you dress, act, and talk.   Rather than avoid media, fashion, and marketing which we all know is impossible (although we did refuse to buy anything Bratz related where the doll's denim skirt rides just low enough to see the strings of her bikini underwear) our goal for her to is to critically pay attention to media messages, be observant about the attitudes girls in her world have, and be intentional about what she's putting out there.  Princesses can be strong, brave, centered, and compassionate. All things we want for our daughter as she figures out who she is and how she fits into this world.

3 Ways To Be Intentional

I've written before about my desire to be an intentional parent - to think more and react less. I recently heard a speaker talk about his "Whac-a-Mole" style of parenting and how he challenged himself to really slow down and think through their family's vision and mission rather than reacting to each issue when it came up. Here are 3 quick tips on being an intentional parent by Jim Mason, President and CEO of Beech Acres Parenting Center.

1. Understand how your childhood affects your parenting today. 
Jim talked about sitting down with your spouse and calling out what you appreciate about the way you were raised and would like to keep as part of your parenting philosophy as well as those things that you don't want to carry over to the next generation. This isn't a deep dive (although that's healthy as well) but more of a broad look at things like: I appreciate how my parents raised us to have polite manners, or I want to avoid using external motivation and rewards.

2. Have a vision for yourself as a parent. 
Jim walked us through a thought provoking exercise where our imagined grown children were making a speech and telling the audience how he/she appreciated their mom for always teaching them these three things....  He had us fill in those three things and then give examples of how we're teaching that to our kids. I agree whole heartedly with him that the best way to change your kid is to change yourself.

3. Have a vision for your child as an adult and act today in a manner that reflects the future. 
A group of friends and I recently sat down and made a list of what we hoped for our kids in their adult years and then challenged ourselves on how we were specifically teaching and modeling those things. Proactive and intentional - with some accountability built in.

I find that when I'm thinking about being intentional I'm more calm, thoughtful, and yes - a better parent. Thanks Jim, for the reminder that parenting takes thought and planning and when we find ourselves playing "Whac-a-Mole" it usually means we need to take a step back and take some time to think rather than do.

Problem Solving Deficit?

This post is inspired by a recent trip to an unnamed store where I attempted to purchase a pair of gloves and had a rather amusing experience.

After beginning to process my purchase at the register, the cashier stopped ringing the items up when she came across the gloves that seemed to have no price tag on them.

Teenage cashier: Oh. These have no tag.

Me: Sorry about that.

Cashier: (pause, no words)

Me: They were the only pair like it – I got them in the hat/glove section if that helps.

Cashier: Oh. (longer pause)

Me: Do you want me to go back and see if I can find a similar pair?

Cashier: I don’t know.

Me: (out of town and really needing gloves for the seriously cold weather outside). I’d

really like to buy them.

Cashier: I’m not sure what to do.

Me: (realizing she is looking to me to tell her what to do) Ummmm….is there someone you could call?

Cashier: Ok. (calls another cashier from somewhere in the store. She gets there after a few minutes)

Cashier 1: I’m not sure what to do about this.

Cashier 2: (they stare at the gloves) Hmmmm..

Really??

Cashier 1: (speaking to Cashier 2) I tried to find a product number and there isn’t one.

(Both cashier spend a few minutes punching various numbers into the register.)

Me: (sensing this will not have a short ending and trying to move things along) How about $10.00?

Cashier 1: Well, we don’t really know that’s the price.

Really????

Me: Could you call the manager and have them look up the gloves in your product list?

Cashier 2: I guess.  (pause, seems to be looking to me for confirmation)

Me: That would be great.

Ten minutes later, I had my gloves (which were $9.99 by the way) but was reminded once again of the many examples I see all over the place of poor problem solving skills. Call it lack of accountability, victimization, the result of helicopter parenting…but it seems to be running rampant among our kids’ generation.