A Bug & A Wish

Anyone who has more than one child knows that teaching kids how to speak their feelings in a constructive way is crucial to healthy sibling relationships. In my work with young girls, we talk a lot about speaking feelings, communicating needs, and validating how the other person feels.

My sister is a great "boy mom" (she has three sweet testosterone filled cuties). One of my favorite rules she had to make about their household bathroom was, "Only one person can use the toilet at a time". Use your imagination and keep in mind that one of the boys was already sitting down.

Susan found a method around communicating your needs that was "little boy accessible" called "A Bug and a Wish". Here's how it works.  Say a kid is bothered by something their sibling (or friend) is doing and wants them to stop. Teaching kids to ask the person to stop the behavior is a first step, but this method encourages them to also talk about their feelings and express their needs (not always easy and natural for boys). The child might say, "It BUGs me when you take my Star Wars guys and leave them in strange places and I WISH you would ask me first if it's okay to play with them." The other person is required to acknowledge that they've heard the Bug and a Wish and respond appropriately. My sister admits that it took some training. Moving from "It BUGs me that you're stupid and I WISH you'd go away" to more acceptable statements and requests took some re-direction, positive reinforcement and just plain patience. Once the process is established, the ease of calling out a "Hey - do the Bug and a Wish!" reminder helps impending arguments to lose traction. Most boys fall into the "the fewer words the better" camp and respond well to clear, concise verbal reminders.

Of course this is not limited to boys - it also works with girls and can even help kids verbalize their needs to their parents. Actually when you think about it, this really applies to friendships, marriages, and other family relationships that thrive on honest, current, and clear communication.

So keep in mind that if you begin using this method and one day hear, "It BUGS me when you text on your cell phone while we're playing together and I WISH you would just put your phone away",  your little one just might be growing in healthy relationship skills.

My sister Susan and her boys

Sibling Love

This post is for my friend, Alli, who helped me start this blog. Alli has three adorable children ages 4 and under. We’ve been there (our oldest’s 4^th birthday was days after our third child’s birth) and while the first few years were physically challenging (I still appreciate and am grateful for a good night’s sleep and still value the day when I realized everyone could put on their own coat and tie their own shoes - wait, we can just walk out the door…now??) the present days are giving me glimpses of that unique bond siblings have when growing up very close together and realize just how special it is. Yes they still drive each other crazy and sometimes for their own safety need to be separated, but there are moments that definitely make those sleepless nights feel very far away and make me so thankful for a house full of chaos...

Throwing Punches

Huge disasters resulting from desperate attempts to teach my children something of value always seem to provide a lesson for me instead.

My mom was a great mom. I mean great. I grew up in a house with 2 sisters and a special needs brother. She rarely yelled and always seemed to know what to do in a situation – guiding us and teaching us life lessons at the same time. There are often times in my daily parenting when I find myself asking, "What would Mom do?"

All kids go through the stage of arguing with their siblings. I actually believe it is invaluable experience in conflict resolution in a safe environment. But anyone who has kids old enough to argue know what I mean when I admit that this is the one of the things that make you want to throw things. Maybe at them. I remember one afternoon...