Sibling Love

This post is for my friend, Alli, who helped me start this blog. Alli has three adorable children ages 4 and under. We’ve been there (our oldest’s 4^th birthday was days after our third child’s birth) and while the first few years were physically challenging (I still appreciate and am grateful for a good night’s sleep and still value the day when I realized everyone could put on their own coat and tie their own shoes - wait, we can just walk out the door…now??) the present days are giving me glimpses of that unique bond siblings have when growing up very close together and realize just how special it is. Yes they still drive each other crazy and sometimes for their own safety need to be separated, but there are moments that definitely make those sleepless nights feel very far away and make me so thankful for a house full of chaos...

I have friends whose kids are many years apart and their parents love having built in alone time with each child and the divison of stages. So, as always, there are highs and lows to be found on either side but here are a few benefits we’ve experienced in a household with close aged kids.

1. Enjoying things together

It seems that whatever phase we move through, we experience together as a family. We can go to the zoo, amusement parks, museums, hiking, biking, and enjoy the same activities instead of running one kid to one age appropriate thing and the other somewhere else. They genuinely enjoy doing these experiences together and generate ideas on things they’d like to try. 

2.  Being part of a school family

Having all 3 kids in the same elementary school absolutely creates a sense of security. They know all the same teachers, other kids, and have the same family events. School happenings are a family affair – we go to the art show, music concerts, family sports nights, field day, whatever – they have separate activities and interests, but it still feels being part of a school family.

3. Silliness, being themselves

Because they are so close together in age, there’s no pretense of impressing each other or each others’ friends. They have inside jokes that are of course HILARIOUS (to them) and it creates a bond that is immeasurable even at this young age. They are a safe place for each other to express their personalities and even their closest friends don't invite that type of intimacy. They can go for hours playing a game they made up and even have a secret language that only the three of them can understand. 

4. Common friends

When your siblings have friends that are just a year or two older or younger than yourself and your own friends, it makes for a great party. It’s not uncommon for us to have 7-8 kids in the house all playing together.  Yes, it’s noisy here. But tons of fun! It's also a great time to vacation together with other families. 

6. Working together to accomlish a goal

We do a lot of whole family activities together, but something that’s precious to see and inspiring to witness is when there’s a clear goal in mind that they need each other to accomplish- especially when it’s independent of parental involvement. They are familiar with each other's skills and strengths and are an incredible work group working on a mission (when it's something they want to do of course). Experimenting with leadership, group think, brainstorming, and execution truly is best when kids are among their peers. Whether it’s building a fort, writing a play, creating a game – they thrive on kid initiated ideas and forward group progress.

7. Conflict resolution skills

Some may describe it as arguing, but we like to believe that what they are actually learning in a loving relationship is how to resolve conflict in a variety of situations. Ok, in the moment those are the times when I most want to throw things, but I try to remind myself of the skills they are learning in a safe environment. We recently have been working with our youngest on speaking his feelings to his older brother when he’s frustrated. They spend SO much time together and obviously can get on each other’s nerves frequently – especially when the oldest bosses him around as he tends to do. We had some friends over one night and were in the other room having dinner when we heard the boys start to argue. Their voices escalated, then we heard Eric say, “Well, you just make me so FRUSTRATED and IRRITATED when you do that and I’m just TELLING you how I feel” (we all give silent cheers) he continues, “So, stop doing that, you DUMMY!” (oh, so close).  Imagine if all their trials of conflict resolution were done with people outside of the family. It might be more confusing, difficult, and downright painful. It’s much easier to learn to speak your feelings and compromise with respect to someone who loves you and has your back.

8. Accountability

One of the most challenging and intimidating things in life is learning how to have difficult conversations. You may notice something in a friend’s life that may be harmful but you don’t know how to speak the truth in love to them. You've messed up and hurt someone's feelings but can't bring yourself to have a face to face talk about it. Siblings close together in age get practice having those conversations in a safe environment. A few years ago our church went through a spiritual journey on being “Consumed” whether it be by money, pride, stuff, image…anything that takes your focus off of God. We usually take the journey and expand on it as a family. The elements become part of our vocabulary and the kids can really get it on their level. One day, our then 7 year old opted to stay in his room for hours instead of going outside to play (after days of doing building projects) and his brother told him. “Dude, you’re like consumed with legos. You may want to think about that.” Funny, but true. He really needed to look around and evaluate what kind of balance he had in his life. His 5 year old brother was able to challenge him on something that adults have a hard time recognizing in their own lives.

9. Unconditional love and support

Of course we love our kids fiercely and support them in whatever they do. But remember when you got to the point in your young life when you realized, “Of course you think that, you’re my Mom/Dad.” There’s something about a sibling believing in you and cheering you on in life that reaches the deepest part of your heart and makes you believe in yourself with fierce certainty. Watching them jump up and down when Eric's on the soccer field, or gathering around the piano to hear Caroline’s newest song, or hearing them tell Adam he’s going to build a famous building someday gives me a glimpse of the future when Darrin and I are gone and they are providing each other with complete support, authentic accountability, and unconditional love. 

Of course the grass is always greener and I am envious of families who have older ones who can babysit their siblings or have built in alone time with each child just due to the spacing. Each family dynamic is different and we’ve definitely experienced the need to establish some routines to help them develop as individuals and get time alone with parents. Dad takes them alone to breakfast every Saturday morning on a rotation and just has quiet time to talk about what’s going on in their life. We encourage them to choose different activitites to discover their own passions and gifts avoid sibling competition. We are careful to look for signs of “too much togetherness” and provide alone conversation time whenever we can. But when it comes down to it, we are so thankful for the way God planned our family to be and are truly enjoying the years of growing up together. 


So, if you just found out that you are pregnant with your second child before you thought you were ready, or if you're drowning in a sea of diapers, onesies, and sippy cups - take this as encouragement. Those sweet moments you catch a glimpse of when everyone is bathed, fed, clean, and happy will just keep getting sweeter.