Failure IS an option

Everyone I know wants their kids to do well in school and have a successful experience. We want the best for our kids and aspire to teach them to be responsible, independent, productive students. We all know the cliches about "learning more from failure than success" and the stories of people like Michael Jordan being cut from his high school basketball team, but when it comes down to it we continue to rescue our kids and rob them of the daily lessons that teach them the very essence of responsibility, independence, and productivity. 

 When I taught middle schoolers, I could easily recognize those students who had been "rescued" throughout their elementary school years...


We know this is not our educational journey. But still we go back and pick up forgotten books at school, nag them to study for tests, and make sure they're following a long term timeline for a project - all to the tune of being a good parent.  By the time they get to the upper grades when they need to be academically independent they haven't learned the necessary skills. Helping them come up with strategies to better organize their time, study more efficiently, remembering assignments - after they discover what works and doesn't work for them - that's much more long term effective than rescuing them from the (safe) failure in the first place. We tell ourselves that we're saving them from stress, sadness, low self esteem, you name it - but actually the message we send them when we rescue is, "you can't do this on your own". Walk in most elementary schools and you will see the front office desk littered with lunch boxes, homework assignments, and other forgotten items. Time Magazine published a terrific article about overparenting: 

http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1940395,00.html

I loved reading about the principal who initiated a "no drop off" policy at her school. She realized it had become a big problem when a parent brought a necklace to school that her daughter forgot because it coordinated her outfit. Most of us would agree that is ridiculous, but we should examine our own patterns to see what kind of rescuing might be taking place. 

A warning - freeing yourself from this is both uncomfortable and can be embarrassing. And, it's a process, not a magic wand fix. My 3rd grader once went to school for the day without his entire backpack. Honestly, I'm not even sure how that can happen - what else do you carry in 3rd grade??? Even more embarrassing - I didn't notice when I watched him get on the bus that morning! His teacher called to tell me that she was impressed that he: 

A. didn't freak out about it 

B. didn't expect anyone to bring it  (no I didn't bring it to the school when I realized it was sitting on the counter). 

C. figured out a way to deal with it for the day (borrowed a pencil and some paper from friends and made a make-shift take home folder)

And of course we worked together on a sort of mental checklist for him when he leaves the house (a great life skill for those types of folks who do things like lock their keys in the car...okay, okay it's hereditary).  Now it's just a funny story that reminds him to think about things more carefully and also a healthy reminder that people make mistakes and can figure out solutions to their own problems when they do. We have to continually remind ourselves that their academic success or failure is not a reflection of us and check our motivation - do we want them to turn in their homework all the time so we look like a good parent or is it more important that they learn NOW what the consequences are when you don't do your work. We don't want our kids to go through life expecting to be rescued. We want them to be independent problem solvers. What safer environment than elementary school for them to be learning how to do that?