Doing Life Together

After a recent conversation with a friend who was struggling with feeling isolated, I was reminded again about the intentionality it takes to be part of a real community. She's taking the step to look for ways to connect and it is a big challenge for her. I was so impressed by that and realized that for some people, it's just a natural part of the way they live. For others, it's a steep hill to climb that seems overwhelming and maybe not even worth it. There are all types of communities in our lives and benefits to each, but I believe that having other parents as friends and resources is a huge factor in our day to day journey.


A community isn't working out at a gym and seeing the same people on MWF mornings or colleagues you talk to in meetings on a regular basis. The other mom who helps you plan the classroom party may not count either.   If everyone you encounter knows you to about the same level, then you probably aren't connecting deeply enough to really call it a community. I'm talking about people who know you (the real you), can challenge you by speaking truth and build you up with encouragement. It's hard enough being a parent - doing it in isolation is so much harder...





I am so grateful for a group of moms in my community who meet once a week and take time to be authentic and challenging to each other. We are all friends and our kids go to school together so we see each other often: playdates, school events, baseball games, birthday parties. But on Wednesday afternoons, we have what we call "book club" where we meet and discuss whatever parenting book we've chosen about whatever seems interesting/timely/challenging to us at the time. We sit at my kitchen table and are honest about our struggles, keep each other accountable, and have a safe place to be real..."am I helping or rescuing? Is this a life lesson or do I need to speak up? Is anyone else dealing with the stage of (insert annoying child behavioral stage here) ?" These Wednesday afternoons have bonded us in friendship (we now also include things like an annual girls weekend at the lake, frequent dinners out, and frequent phone calls and emails, but more importantly, it's a place of encouragement, support, and a safe environment to challenge our parenting practices. We help each other see the big picture, our kids have no doubt benefitted and ultimately, we know we're not alone on this journey.

As I talked with my friend about what makes our community work, I thought of these things:

1. We are intentional and place priority on getting together. Whether it's family activities or our weekly book club, we schedule it and make it happen. We all know if you wait around until things aren't busy for something to get planned, it never will. 

2. We are vulnerable and authentic with each other. There's nothing worse than getting together with women who pretend to "have it all together". While the other moms at the bus stop don't need to know my biggest fears or worst habits, these women do - and because of that - they get to experience the very best things about who I am. We share ideas, tears, and frustrations, and ultimately feel a deep sense of grounded support for each other. 

3. Our husbands have developed their own friendships. Not wanting to be the kind of wives who drag along their husbands on social events, we've encouraged the guys to take initiative with their own "fun". Kayaking, golf trips, brewing their own beer - these guys are all about fun with each other and their friendships have grown along with ours as families. Along with that comes relationships that are deep and provide accountability. Something that's not always easy for men.

4. We don't try to make our kids be best friends. This is a special group of friends for them - they're not necessarily all the same age or in the same friend group, but there's a special bond between them knowing how deep their parents' friendships are. No pressure to be BFF's, in fact, we've found that it's better that they aren't. 

5. We accept each other for who we are. Since we are real with each other, we know each others' weaknesses. So often that is cause for gossip and self inflation, but we are committed to growing each other and living in love in spite of faults. 


I'm not sure where the years will take our family or anyone else's. We still sometimes find ourselves struggling to schedule things or to be entirely vulnerable and authentic with each other. But I do know a couple of things about this community. I know that I love these women and that I am better because they are a part of my life. I know that my family is stronger, closer, and healthier because we are connected. And I know that I am passionate about helping others find their own communities where they can" do life together".