Languages of Love

There’s a well known book by Gary Chapman called The Five Love Languages that gives great insight into how people uniquely give and receive love. It’s eye opening to learn about how you and your spouse may differ in your needs and expressions of feelings and can provide great conversations leading to growth in your relationship. There's a version of this book specifically about children and after reading it with some friends, we all discovered a little more about our kids and how best to love them in their own languages...

The author talks of "keeping your child's love tank full". We know that behavior can start to go south when our kids are tired or hungry. The same is true for an empty love tank. If kids aren't feeling connected (or loved) they tend to act out in a way that may not obviously point to their needs, but if we are in tune with their love languages it can be easier to pick up on their signals.

The five love languages defined by the authors of this book are:

1. physical touch

2. acts of service

3. gifts

4. quality time

5. words of affirmation

Sometimes the best way to get a glimpse of your child's love language is by experiencing an empty love tank. What are they needing? A kid hanging on your leg or clinging to your arm is probably has a "physical touch" love language and in need of a little tank filling.

Since love languages are the way you both give and receive love, one easy way to get insight into your child's dominant love language is to observe how they love you. Our youngest, Eric, is so dominant in the language of physical touch that I have to sometimes peel him off of me. When he's sick, hurt, or sad - his biggest comfort is kissing my neck. He's a hand holder, a snuggler, a lap sitter. He's one of the kids who flies off the bus and runs into my arms for a huge hug. His nine year brother expresses love much differently. Adam's main love language is definitely words of affirmation. He frequently looks me in the eye and says things like, "Mom, you're a great mom." Or "You know, I love the way you..." Our daughter is very much a quality time kid. She's all about conversations and experiences.

I love that God creates them so specifically that their personalities line up with the way they receive love. Eric is very hands on in general - he's all about sports and physical activity. Adam is extremely verbal-  he loves to read and is one of those students that actually looks forward to going to school. Caroline loves to plan things for her friends to do and is a storyteller through many art forms - something I think goes hand in hand with experiences and quality time. Once you understand how your kids love you, it gives you a clearer picture of how they best receive love. It also explains how siblings growing up in the same family can have very different reactions to how they were raised. If you are still bothered that your parents didn't say "I love you" frequently, but your sister doesn't seem to have that baggage - it may be that your love language is words of affirmation and hers is something else. Makes for interesting adult family discussions...

Of course all kids have a blend of these languages, but usually there is one that is dominant. It doesn't mean that we don't hug Adam or tell our other kids we love them. It just helps us be intentional about their needs and observe how their love tank is doing - keeping it full makes for a happy kid and an easier time of dealing with problems that come up.