Anyone who has more than one child knows that teaching kids how to speak their feelings in a constructive way is crucial to healthy sibling relationships. In my work with young girls, we talk a lot about speaking feelings, communicating needs, and validating how the other person feels.
My sister is a great "boy mom" (she has three sweet testosterone filled cuties). One of my favorite rules she had to make about their household bathroom was, "Only one person can use the toilet at a time". Use your imagination and keep in mind that one of the boys was already sitting down.
Susan found a method around communicating your needs that was "little boy accessible" called "A Bug and a Wish". Here's how it works. Say a kid is bothered by something their sibling (or friend) is doing and wants them to stop. Teaching kids to ask the person to stop the behavior is a first step, but this method encourages them to also talk about their feelings and express their needs (not always easy and natural for boys). The child might say, "It BUGs me when you take my Star Wars guys and leave them in strange places and I WISH you would ask me first if it's okay to play with them." The other person is required to acknowledge that they've heard the Bug and a Wish and respond appropriately. My sister admits that it took some training. Moving from "It BUGs me that you're stupid and I WISH you'd go away" to more acceptable statements and requests took some re-direction, positive reinforcement and just plain patience. Once the process is established, the ease of calling out a "Hey - do the Bug and a Wish!" reminder helps impending arguments to lose traction. Most boys fall into the "the fewer words the better" camp and respond well to clear, concise verbal reminders.
Of course this is not limited to boys - it also works with girls and can even help kids verbalize their needs to their parents. Actually when you think about it, this really applies to friendships, marriages, and other family relationships that thrive on honest, current, and clear communication.
So keep in mind that if you begin using this method and one day hear, "It BUGS me when you text on your cell phone while we're playing together and I WISH you would just put your phone away", your little one just might be growing in healthy relationship skills.
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| My sister Susan and her boys |
Great post! I love this idea and am shamelessly borrowing Susan's idea for my two cuties. (Alas, I KNOW I'll be giving the same advice on "wish you'd go away" at first.) Bug hugs for sharing! S.
ReplyDeleteThanks Stef! No shame necessary - we're all figuring this out together:)
ReplyDeleteLove this idea!! Reagan and Carter love playing together, but also love bothering each other. They both have very strong, similiar personalities and find it easiest to just grunt and moan. This is a great "trick" to get them not only to communicate to each other; but also force them to explore their own feelings (Although Reagan have NO problem expressing her feelings).
ReplyDeleteGreat post!!!
as a mom of two boys I love this for two reasons - never easy to get them to use their words! and two because I have boys who love to sword fight...ask your husbands ladies ;-)
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