Throwing Punches

Huge disasters resulting from desperate attempts to teach my children something of value always seem to provide a lesson for me instead.

My mom was a great mom. I mean great. I grew up in a house with 2 sisters and a special needs brother. She rarely yelled and always seemed to know what to do in a situation – guiding us and teaching us life lessons at the same time. There are often times in my daily parenting when I find myself asking, "What would Mom do?"

All kids go through the stage of arguing with their siblings. I actually believe it is invaluable experience in conflict resolution in a safe environment. But anyone who has kids old enough to argue know what I mean when I admit that this is the one of the things that make you want to throw things. Maybe at them. I remember one afternoon...


when I was about 4 and my older sister was 6. We were having one of those days where it was difficult to even be in the same room and had gone the entire day picking on, arguing, and irritating each other. I don’t remember details about the arguing, but I remember my mom losing it and taking us to the bathroom upstairs. She made us stand directly across from each other on the rug (bright green, I can still picture it and the brown raccoons on the wallpaper). She had clearly had enough. “Go ahead”, she said. It sure seems like all you two want to do is fight, so go ahead”. In confusion we just stared at each other. “Go ahead. You want to fight?” She raised her voice. “Do it. Hit each other. Go for it.” My sister and I stared at each other in wide eyed fright. Our mother had lost it! She wanted us to be physically violent! She picked up our hands and showed us what to do. “Here, like this”. At this, my sister and I collapsed into each others’ arms, sobbing, “I don’t want to hit you! I love you sissy! I’m sorry! You’ll always be my sister!” We stood there for several minutes hugging and crying and we still laugh about it to this day.

Now, my mom would most likely admit that this was more a result of throwing up her hands than parenting strategy and I am not advocating this (nor would she) as a tried and true technique. It was just one of those things parents do when they don’t know what else to do and they’re at the end of their rope and it happened to have effective results.

Fast forward 25 years and I have my own 4 and 6 year old. They have been arguing all day and I’m about to lose it. This memory flashes through my mind and even though something in my stomach doesn't feel right about this, I take my two children, place them on the family room rug, and tell them to have at it. For the fraction of the second they look at me incredulously, I know I’ve made a mistake. They barely hesitate before taking huge swings at the other knocking each other down. I have to pull them apart like a WWF match. Obviously, it was a complete failure and of course not really appropriate in the first place. It makes a great story though and my daughter likes to say she threw the first punch. Why did my mom get heartfelt genuine remorse for poor behavior and I got kids with a black eye and a bloody lip? Maybe it was the difference in their gender, their personalities, or a variety of other reasons, but the point is this. You can’t just take someone else’s parenting technique and expect it to work exactly with your own children. You can read every parenting book on the planet, but only you have a handle on how God has designed you uniquely as a parent as well as creating each of your children as individuals and those differences are what make every family a little different.

Sometimes I stil find myself asking the question, “What would Mom do?” and that’s not all bad. I’ve just learned to use the answer as a starting point, consider the specifics and my children, and trust my instincts. You know your kids best. You have all the background information and insight to what makes them who they are. Trust your own instincts. They’re usually right.